A single mother, an act of self love

My single motherhood story really began at 22 years old.

I had two under two, and my mother had just passed away two days before my 22nd Birthday. My husband, at the time, was in the military and our marriage was poisonous. The passing of my mother , really awoke something within me. An inner strength. I was young and naively confident in myself, which now looking back was vital to my over-coming the challenges I had no idea lay ahead of me. 
In whatever way , one becomes a single mom you can't say that "way" was ever a part of "the plan". Being raised by a single mom myself, I wanted, so badly , to be different from her. I ignored blatant red flags within my marriage in order to maintain the “family.” In order to, not become my mother. The red flags were obvious, in my face..literally. I still buried them. I buried them so deep within me I started to believe the lie myself. I was happy. Despite my nervous behavior. I was happy. Despite the harshness I endured. I was happy. Despite the consistent coldness. I was happy ... until I wasn't. The night my life changed was the night I decided to listen to my gut . I laid in the bath after working 10 hours , my husband downstairs and distant . When I would walk by him in our house he wouldn’t even look up from his phone, we were roommates, and not even friendly ones. I got into bed that night where he hadn’t slept in over a month, I looked at his empty side of the bed and said “ I am single.”

That night I watched a Janis Joplin documentary where she said

 "To be true to myself, to be the person that was on the inside of me, and not play games. That's what I'm trying to do mostly in the whole world, is not bullshit myself and not bullshit anybody else." I sat up in bed my heart raced and I said out loud, “I’m bullshitting myself.”

The truth was I already knew how to be alone, my marriage taught me that. My childhood taught me that. 

If you're a single mom now, you know what I'm talking about. It was a matter of finally being true to that. Not being scared of the being alone part, but being excited by it. There is a difference between loneliness and being alone, I've been alone close to 6 years now and I've never felt as lonely as that marriage made me feel. 
Now, the heart of my story. 

Harlow and Micah. 

My daughters. 12 and 14 years old now. The two curly haired blue-eyed beauties that fueled me to get ACTUALLY HAPPY. The challenges of mother-hood are so rewarding especially watching these two golden girls live their life. The three of us, man are we close. We talk for hours. We snuggle up in my king size bed and talk about whatever topics run through their creative brains. We make up stories and giggle at ourselves. Those two girls challenge me for the better. They are the mirror to my soul, the good the bad and the beautiful . When they grow old and look back on this time I hope they remember home cooked meals, french music and a mom who loved them.

with that , I’m sure they’ll remember a mom that cried from lack of family and support, a mom that broke down about the amount of laundry piling up. The mom who ran late picking them up from school because work took longer than expected. The mom who yelled about melted crayons and crushed chips on her car floor. It’s true, our children will remember these things . But as they grow older with these memories I want you to know they will come to realizations of their very own. Yes, those small, crappy, in your face moments are real but so is the big picture. The big picture is you are creating a life you want to live. Many people on this earth never take it upon themselves to do that.

When you do it you are teaching your children to do it.

And isn’t that what this all for anyway?

I want to see my children own their life, not be trapped in it.

What I've come to realize is that although "becoming" my mother was my greatest fear it turned out to be my most powerful tool.

If you’re a single mom, I want to re-assure you that everything you’re doing is enough. Your children are going to cherish you no matter what, they are going to love you to the ends of the earth and they are going to respect you more and more as the years go on.

So this next statement , is not about them. 

It’s about you . 

You deserve the love, you deserve the trust, and you deserve the respect . 

Give it to yourself first , here and now, and expect no less from anybody else .